Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

Admin smashed it 😂

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

My dating profile:

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.