My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.