My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
You Might Also Like
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
she has a point
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
😜
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Trumpy Cat
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.