Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.