My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I don’t make the rules sorry
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes