My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
You Might Also Like
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
gm
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
🤣🤣🤣
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.