My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.