Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.