my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
sure, why not
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”