Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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a
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[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

Finally a use for spoilers…

who named him groot and not spruce lee

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

So glad we cleared that up

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.