Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

*pronounces woah like Noah*

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Camel dough

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?