Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.