Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

A woman drives into a bar.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason