Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

oh shit

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*