My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–