Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.