Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

always be there

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup