@hunz74

My 10 year old: “If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first.”

Me: “What?”

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@Ndeshi_M

*goes to fabric store*
Do you guys have boyfriend material?

@dhumann

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

@JGrumbie

Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She’s my new favorite.

@weirdralph

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

@steve_jorbz

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.