Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]