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Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.