Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Good lord

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.