my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
lost dog
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
