my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
money maker
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
