My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
respect
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“