My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
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cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.