My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
You Might Also Like
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
#polloftheday
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun