Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…