My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
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ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
thoughts?
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills