My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
