My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven