My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
when she block me on everything
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.