my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
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Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Gotta say whoever invented the potato nailed it and should be trusted to invent more stuff
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school