my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
You Might Also Like
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.