my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
You Might Also Like
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
TODAY
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
✌️