Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

The days of good grammer has went

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again