Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

How about I get 100% off by already being there