My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Warm pools make me nervous.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.