My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Tough love is true love
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*