Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?