Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.