Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

just left a huge legacy in there

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”