My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.