Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

💀🤣

security at the airport getting more straightforward

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”