Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

Love is always patient and kind.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

ㅤ

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

As per my previous tablet…

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.