Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

gentlemen, hear me out

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet