Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.