My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
A fake ID that makes you younger
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs