Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

honey, bring out the fine china.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook