Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts