Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats