Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip