My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
You Might Also Like
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me recordaron éste meme
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played