my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
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If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww