My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Xylophonist Shredding It
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot