My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
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Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
there’s music for literally every activity
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.