Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

Seems legit

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.