Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

the noise i just made

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?