Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

This makes total sense…

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.