My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
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Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
They got Raph!
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.