My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
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I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I found your tweet-up…
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour