My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

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Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.


~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?




Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite


guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog


Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.


To all the guys getting gassed that Nick Jonas got Priyanka Chopra by sliding in her dms. Before you send that 4th dm to that girl…just think to yourself…are you Nick Jonas?


Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.


Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.


Me: We should go to the gym more often.
Him: I hate it there. It’s like a meat market. And I’m the expired meat.