Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

so much to do

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

making sure he doesnt get away

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

are they though??

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…