Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

Howl 😭

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday