My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help