Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?