Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

Well, that should do it

I love art.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.