My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
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*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.