Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

journal

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

This is a sub tweet

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT