My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
wtf
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works