Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

I feel seen

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

*power walks to the refrigerator*