My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up