Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

As a someone who sleeps nude, my opinions on pajamas are immaterial.

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

a lot to unpack here

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.