My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Have a lovely day 😊
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%