My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
You Might Also Like
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*