Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

😂🤣😂🤣

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

I can’t wait!

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.