My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
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Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
This fish is cracking me up
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.