My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
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Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused