Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

This forever.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

Watermelon Boss!

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc