Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist