My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
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Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
This is my emotional support knife.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.